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"Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show."  Charles Dickens

"Extreme Balance" Nathan Steel

So this is my first streaming consciousness entry. I'm already frustrated but really I don't feel that frustrated. I did 20 or more minutes of dictating it was all lost. Technology often sucks.

So the whole idea is to be spontaneous a little hard when I'm tempted to repeat what I just did but I think I'll just start from now. Right now Rory is at my feet apprehensive about the 4th of July doesn't like the explosions. Likely from a childhood trauma that I imposed on him while watching fireworks in Saranac Lake. Parent induced trauma. How typical. Is Random as always my mind picks up a thread and makes it directly relevant. Fear is currently at the center of my life. I have purposely put myself in a place where fear is somewhere between likely and inevitable. After being bit by a tick last June which is over a year ago I was decapacitated almost completely for a couple of months. Part of my recuperation was to work with the Carolina Center for Innovative medicine, Dr Pittman. When I hooked up with him my goal was to not only put the tick bite reaction behind me but get in the best shape I can at this juncture in my life. So that's where I am now with a rather extreme diet being my next step. It's going to be only 500 calories a day which on the surface seems unwise. It's supported by some homeopathic formulation is supposed to preserve lean muscle mass as well as focus on Old visceral fat. The same time it's supposed to help with my mood and my appetite. I'm putting a lot on this I mean a lot of pressure cuz this is my well it's silly to say this is my last chance but you know I spent thousands of dollars in a lot of time getting to this point and if I blow it it's going to be due to my due to just my getting my own way. I've done this on numerous occasions. But I've also had dramatic successes. So which one will this be? That's a question for the future. Likely anxiety producing and what's the point. So I guess this stream of Consciousness was going to include updates on that process as well as my efforts to fully embrace the guitar as a way of expressing music.

My goal is to if not master at least get very comfortable with the guitar and my ability to express myself through it. But I haven't been practicing. So rather than just push myself I've created this construct of guitar and music as a spiritual practice. Set up an altar and started a series based on Tesla's 369 theory of manifestation. The 369 manifestation idea is that you write down three times in the morning six times in the afternoon and nine times before bed what you are trying to manifest. My manifestation statement is... Cosmos empowers me to express myself musically, especially through the guitar. My heart radiates passion and joy! Again, I write this down in a journal three times then six times and nine times every day. Only been doing it for a few days not perfect but seems to be working so far. I'm guessing they're going to be several recurring themes if I keep this up. My marriage, our dog training business, my physical health, and my spiritual well-being. Plus my ever-evolving perspective on what the heck is happening in the world. That's enough for today, let's see if I can save this.


Guitar, alter & favorite knives

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